About ADHD and Other Things

When Moms Get Diagnosed with ADHD

• Pronounced J ah da • Season 1 • Episode 3

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In this episode, I welcome friend and fellow ADHD coach Kamala Randhawa. She is a speaker, an ADHD advocate, and coach. She's based out of Alberta, Canada. We talk coaching, specifically what drew us to this profession, and we swap stories about being diagnosed along with our children. 

Find Kamala at kamalarand@gmail.com and on TikTok @adhd.indahouse.


Russell Barkley, retired as a Professor of Psychiatry and Neurology from the University of Massachusetts Medical Center
https://www.russellbarkley.org/about.html

Elaine Taylor-Klaus, CPCC, MCC, co-founder of Impact Parents

Impact Parent: https://impactparents.com/

Linda Roggli, coach, author, speaker, 
Women's Palooza: https://adhdpalooza.com/parents-2023/

Adults with ADHD often struggle with bringing their dreams to fruition. We have no problems coming up with big ideas, but we often fall under the weight of our own disorganization, leading to a life of missed potential. This podcast is a call, an invitation, if you will, to re-examine and redefine yourself in light of your ADHD strengths. Time to shine.

Hey everyone, so this is Jayada and this is my podcast about ADHD and other things. And as I record, I'm still waiting to hear back on whether or not I've got my past my certification to be an ADHD life coach, but I am waiting with bated breath. So today, I'm very excited because I have my friend and colleague here joining me as my guest. She's my first guest. and her name is Kamala Randaba. I hope I think I said it right. So Kamala hails from Alberta, Canada. Is that correct? No? All right. So she's a passionate community advocate for ADHD education and empowerment. She's an ADHD coach, an ADHD women. woman and mother. Welcome Kamala, I'm so glad to have you. Thank you. I'm so glad to be here. So, you know, like I said before, we're just going to kind of go with the flow here. You know, when I'm trying to put these things together, it's really kind of just based on whatever I'm feeling that day, that moment. But one of the things that I keep kind of going over in my head is the whole coaching. industry. And it's something that's I'm new to. And I wanted to hear what your story was, what drew you to coaching? Hmm. So, if I'm being completely honest, I would have to say absolute tear and desperation is what drew me to coaching. I am an ADHD mom with several ADHD kids, and my youngest is hyperactive and positive, and on the quite severe side where some of his behaviors were ranging from upsetting to very dangerous, like jumping in the deep end of a pool when you can't swim or getting out of a moving car. So truly this journey kind of started about six years ago when I was near a breakdown. in my emotions and just not being able to manage this kid and being really concerned about trying to keep him safe. And then just all of the dysfunction that emotional regulation was causing in our family. Little did I know that was me and I was a very big part of that as well as multiple other children who have ADHD. Now we're all thankfully diagnosed and treated. So that's really great. But like I think where it got to was like I don't know how to deal with this situation anymore. but I know that it's really hurting us and that I'm really struggling with this. And so I need to go find some help. And we go to the doctors, the doctor says, yes, like you go to the doctors, you get a referral here in Canada, you see a psychiatrist. They say, yeah, your kid has ADHD and you probably have ADHD too. So it's that common story of being diagnosed after you have a child who's been diagnosed. That's me. But that, yeah, it's so many women in their middle age, that are coming across this awareness. And I mean, I find that frustrating, but for me being ADHD, somebody said, oh, your son has ADHD, you probably have ADHD. What did I do? Of course I did the thing that every ADHD mom does. I went and became an expert in ADHD and read for quite a long time, every book that I could get my hands on, but I wasn't able to really, integrate all of the amazing information that's out there. I just couldn't push myself to that next step. So I worked, that kind of led me to group coaching and I was so blessed to actually have had that foundation in the Impact Parenting Coach Community with Aline and Diane. Diane Dempster and Elaine, I don't remember her last name. lovely couple of ladies who are literally the foundation for ADHD parent coaching for families. Amazing. And kind of sort of cut my teeth in that community, sort of started to understand the benefit of coaching. And then sort of, you know, really gratefully, I was able to attend a couple of the paloozas, like the women's paloozas that are put on by... Linda Rogley, which is another great resource out there. If you are just coming new to this journey of ADHD, there is no better source of information and more compact in one area at a better price than women's Palooza or parents' Palooza by Impact, ADHD or Linda. So Kamala, so what you did is, you said, oh, I'm sure like all the other ADHD moms will find out after their kids get diagnosed. You took a deep dive into understanding this condition. And I kind of did the same thing, except I didn't do so much of a deep, deep dive because when my child was diagnosed. I knew immediately that I was definitely part of that. But I don't think I really truly fully grasped just how it impacted me because I don't think I was aware. I kind of felt like, I think I was in the thought of, oh, okay, I have this, but I'm working, I'm holding a full-time job, I'm doing this, that. So I must have overcome, not really. you know, not realizing, you know, that it goes much deeper than that, right? And so it wasn't until, I mean, when he was diagnosed, it was maybe like five years later that I was like, okay, this is really impacting my life in a way. That was just, it was just too much. And I, and like you, I was like, I'm, I'm going to figure this out. But I, I'm very quick to, implement, try to implement as many strategies, which is kind of a good thing, bad thing, because people get tired of trying new things like, oh, great, now we have a new chart. But, you know, as we understand as moms and within the ADHD community, that it's all about trial, we're testing things out, we're seeing what works, what doesn't work, and then we're making adjustments as we go. So yes, thank you. So Kamara. So you came to ADHD coaching after everything with your kids and yourself, and do you have like an ADHD aha moment? Like something, what was one type of research fact that you came up that you found that was like, oh my God, that's me? Oh. Hmm. So I have to say that I think there were so many signs. I like, I've like for a long, long time, there's been a joke in our family, oh, you have ADHD, but there was never any follow through and I was very functional. But I just wanted to comment on what you were saying, like about the whole moms and coming to the awareness of ADHD, it's about, I feel like it's really critical to speak about the whole thing around. As moms, we put everyone else ahead of ourselves. So of course that's gonna be where we go. We're gonna put all of our resources, financial time, effort, all of it towards making sure that our kids get treated and helped. And I will be forever grateful for the amazing psychiatrist that I saw when my son was diagnosed. Her name's Dr. Lee here in Edmonton, Alberta. She's a pediatric psychiatrist. And she, in our appointment, after I had been the emotional regulation and executive function for my son for an hour and a half while he was being assessed. She looked at me and my husband and she said, hey, like, so which one of you guys has ADHD? It's a highly heritable disorder. And I was like, oh, I think it's me. And she said, oh no, it's you. And I was like, well, thanks. I was like super offended. And she goes, oh no, don't be offended. She goes, I have ADHD. It's great. And I was like, okay, never heard it described that way before. And she said the most critical thing that I think I've heard in my ADHD journey. So I think this is like probably one of the biggest impacting aha moments. And that was, she said, if you want to help your family who has ADHD, you need to help yourself first. Get yourself diagnosed, get yourself treated, get yourself supported, and then start working on. helping and giving that same sort of those resources to your child. But she said, if you do not do this and you put all of your eggs in the help your kid basket before you help yourself, there is going to be little to no success for your child because you will a not be able to take on that information and integrate it into practices that will help your family and B that huge big lovely monster of emotional dysregulation will continue to sink you. So that is my big aha moment. I wish I had that level of communication, direct communication early on because definitely did not get that. And we need very direct language, very specific language. to the head. If there's any interpretation, if there's any room for interpretation, the ADHD brain is gonna go there. we will go there, we will dig a hole. go there. It's so true. Absolutely. We will rabbit hole the heck out of that thing. Yeah, it is. Yeah. But yeah, I think the reason why she was able to say it that directly to me is because she herself has ADHD and gets it. So I feel like that's a really critical piece as well. And that is what I. Well, what I've actually chosen and what I like, what I choose is my practice to support the ADHD community, but also to get the best possible help is I work with practitioners who they themselves have ADHD and have a firsthand experience of being a parent or a person in our community. I think that's, I don't feel like I've had that same experience with my kids' pediatricians or even my own doctors. So I think that's really important. So I'm glad you brought that up. we got to the doctor conversation that was quick, Jada and like, you know, it's I, you know, I was thinking about, uh, just this podcast and some of the stuff that, you know, these big myths around ADHD and the things that like so many women are getting overlooked. So many young girls are getting overlooked, right? Like in this, can you like this, with this diagnosis and, um, interestingly enough, Boys on average get diagnosed between the ages of seven and eight, and women on average get diagnosed in their mid 30s. And that shows such a massive discrepancy. It's just a little crazy. But I see that and I kind of go, wait to like, you know, you brought up the doctors, so we're going to go there. And a lot of doctors just don't have that background in ADHD that is required to actually uh parse out the nuances in mental health and ADHD because of course what 70% of the people that are showing up in a doctor's office have a comorbid condition right we're looking at they go ahead I'm guessing here, because now that you made me aware that I picked a controversial, we don't have to go down this path, but I will say that doctors, I think they're just siloed. I think they're siloed. Oops, hold on. Mic just went out. I think they're siloed or I think sometimes they are. they're impaired and because they feel like they've been doing it for so long and who are you and people don't question it. A lot of people think, well, you're the doctor, you're the expert, you studied for this, so you must know. And then you have to question that. They're not all knowing. And so it is, I think, it's a part where the patient also has to come in and be... educated on how to be a good patient. So how to communicate with your, you know, physician so that you can have a real conversation. But sometimes I don't feel like they really want to have a real conversation. They just want to tell you what they studied and what they think and then send you on your way. They didn't study this. That's the thing. It's like I have friends in the medical profession and the amount of time they spent on learning around ADHD, unless they've done some continuing education or some in-service work after their degree was done, is they get very little time on ADHD. It's a lot more time on autism because it was just a lot more like, it's more obvious and it's also more like there's a lot of stuff that, you know, impacts in a different way in autism, but like with ADHD, they have little or no education. And then you kind of, you know, it's funny though, because, you know, by the time mom comes in and thinks that, you know, an ADHD mom comes in and says, I think my kid has ADHD to the pediatrician, she's already read three books. We know that. She probably knows more than most doctors. I'm not joking. We have Googled the hell out of this. Or we've read, we've taken everything out at the local library and bought out Amazon, right? Because... what's a huge difference though, for me, the difference between reading everything up on Google and all that stuff is when you have to, I think it's really, really important to talk to other people, like other community, because I think that people are just going around pretending that there's nothing going on or they're not telling you, or there's so much people don't wanna talk about. medications that they're taking or that their kids are taking. This is all very private stuff, right? So people are not as... But I just think that when you finally start to see that, oh, that child's mother is similar to me in that, I wonder if they're getting too late to the meetings, then you're like, yeah, you and I need to talk. And to build those communities... Or forgetting your child at half day. Those are my people. building communities, building communities so that we can better support each other, so that we don't feel like we're doing this alone. So to me, it's not just, yes, Google is great, and all those WebMDs and stuff like that. But I think it's important to take that and then really test it out within the community, whether it's talking to your school or other parents and to see if they're also having similar. struggles. That way we can better support each other. Yeah, I'm not putting all the blame on the one side. it's, I think it's a process of having lots of different aspects of your life supported in ADHD. I feel like it's really great if you can find a medical professional who is knowledgeable and who is comfortable in this area. I'm hoping that with more awareness and education that grows in the medical community. I'm, you know, I'm... I feel like that would be really beneficial to people who have ADHD to have doctors that were not only educated, but also really motivated to continue to learning because the ADHD community and the science around ADHD is constantly changing and it's changing really quickly. Yeah, absolutely. But yeah, I feel like that whole thing around community is a critical piece and I think it's Dr. Barkley who talks about vitamin K as in community being that piece that's really important and we all know like you and I both have kids who have neurodivergences and these kids we love them to pieces but being the mom of a child who has you know neurodevelopmental brain disorder is hard work Yes it is. And it's lonely. And it's constant. It's just, it's never ending. And I, I didn't realize that. Hmm Yeah, it is a forever thing. And that's why going back to community is so important because it does feel really lonely. Yeah, and looking and watching like here's an example, like at the end of the year, and everybody's posting that their kid made honor roll or that their, you know, their kid got all these awards at the awards ceremony. And some of our neurodivergent kiddos aren't getting invited to any birthday parties, let alone, you know, making awards ceremonies. We're just very grateful if we can get our kids through school passing and you know, moving on to the next phase, whatever that is for them, it can be very difficult, you know, to see the neurotypicalness of, you know, our peers' children and, you know, not want to just go drop your kid off and, you know, hit the fricking Tim Hortons, which is where we get donuts here in Canada and get half a dozen and just sit in our car and gorge ourselves because we're sad that it's a... It is a constant struggle and it is hard. And maybe we can just have somebody else to share that half dozen with, right? We can both sit in our cars and gorge boat donuts. calories and the carbs. Although I have to say, I'm trying to move away from eating and eating my woes, eating my emotions. I've actually moved. an example. I've been moving more toward exercise, which has actually been very, very helpful. So Kamala, you are based in Alberta, Canada. How do people get in touch with you? How do I let people know? Kamala is a coach, she's an amazing coach. She works with adults and she works with adolescents. And you're just finishing up your advanced training. That's right. Yeah. going to be an advanced trained coach. The whole team will have gone through that advanced training anyway, but she's an amazing coach and an amazing person. She has five children who she just previously was homeschooling, like all of them. And she knows Kamala, I mean, I remember, you're always that person who has that latest. bit of information at the tip of your tongue because you've done so much research in this area. You're very involved in your community and involved in your children's lives and you're running your own business. So please tell me how to tell people about where they can find you. You can find me at kamalarand.gmail.com. I will put it in my show notes. Thank you. Yes, that website is still under construction, but it is coming soon. And I do have a tech talk and it is ADHD underscore in underscore the house. Yes. Which your kids, I think, helped you put together, right? it's a family TikTok on our experience with ADHD. It's pretty transparent. We're trying to share our experience in order to be advocates for ADHD in our community and in the world showing people I think that's where it is when we can kind of pull back this veil of shame. or whatever else it is that's going on for us around our ADHD, we can, you know, remove some of those myths and show people that, yeah, it is quite possible to live happily and productively with ADHD with the correct sports. We can do this. Yes, that's the important piece with the right supports. And also with, you know, if you are the parent who is struggling with emotional dysregulation and you're having trouble keeping that piece in check, then making sure that you're getting help for yourself. Because once you're able to correct yourself and self-regulate, Yeah. Uh, you know, it falls into line eventually. It really does. And it's so worth it. It's so worth it to do it at any, it doesn't matter if your kids are adults or if your kids are three or teenagers. It's never too late. If you are coming from a place of feeling like you're having a hard time, um, you know, being present and being calm and being there for your kids, um, because you're dealing with your own drama at work or whatever, learning self-regulating tools is where you start. I agree completely. Kamala, this has been a great conversation. I hope that you will be a frequent guest because I can't imagine people not wanting to hear more from you and. Oh, thank you. I just want to add something just because I feel like this is a piece that took me a really long time to get and that's the whole piece around we in our ADHD brain we have the knowing and we have the doing as Dr. Barkley who's one of my favorites says and the two are not connected and I feel like we can you know we're so excited we go to the doctor we get a diagnosis for our kids or for ourselves. They more than often will prescribe medication or suggest some sort of physiological support for the brain. And that's where it ends. And that's where people think, okay, I'm fixed. I should be able to do all the things. And that's not it. Actually the DSM-5, the ideal grade A treatment plan for ADHD is some sort of usually stimulant medication plus parent education or... some sort of counseling or coaching support. And it's in that coaching support piece where everything changes and we connect the knowing to the doing. Well said. Thank you. Thank you for having me on. I just love that. to remind, I'm going to hammer that home to people. This is what coaching is. that's the pocket where coaching fits in. It's like, don't be me and read for two years and think that you're gonna be able to integrate all the change because you're reading all this stuff that says that you have ADHD and you are forgetting the piece that we have a really hard time integrating all the things that we've learned because we don't really understand all the stuff around. what motivates us and how we get interest, like if we're interested, we're motivated. But if we're struggling with some piece of that and there's some sort of blocks, then it's really hard to get to the doing piece. So that's where your coach comes in and gives you a hand in connecting those two pieces. Okay, well thank you for having me on. This was so much fun. I hope to come back. Great, appreciate it. ta ta. Till next time.